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#10. The patient never has to be helped into or out of bed, nor even undressed.
#9. The patient doesn't have or need any I.V. lines, tubes, or monitor cables.
#8. The patient doesn't need a footstool, to be pulled up in bed, or even have a siderail.
#7. The patient never needs to be fed, and never needs to be bathed.
#6. The patient never has an excessive number of visitors.
#5. The patient never vomits, urinates, defecates, or expectorates.
#4. The patient will get up cured at the end of 46 minutes, unless killed off in the first five minutes of the show to entice you into watching the remainder of the program. He will not need a wheelchair for discharge.
#3. The patient rarely needs translator services arranged.
#2. The patient never contradicts or denies to the doctor what I just reported the patient had said or done.
#1 The patient does not have a callbell, does not call out "NURSE, !!!!", or demand that his unreasonable request be done because he was a physician in his old country.
by Tom Trimble, RN
RULES OF THE PIT
Anonymous, found circulating at San Francisco Emergency Hospitals and San Francisco General Hospital 1970-71
Hope to hear back. Keep Smiling, email@example.com
P.S. You might be an ER Nurse if you wouldn't think of doing anything else!
Michael Seaver, RN NREMT-P
From: Michael Seaver, RN NREMT-P
Subject: Humor Update - 12/12/96
Sorry about the huge delay in getting these out...I hope this finds you full of the holiday spirit!
You can identify the "P.I.D.
shuffle" at a distance of 15 feet and the "Kidney Stone Squirm" at 20...
You've ever had to contend with someone who thinks constipation for 4 hours is a medical emergency...
You've ever entered a patient's chief complaint as "I'm drunk"...
You refer to motorcyclists as "organ donors"...
You've ever had a patient with a nose-ring tell you "I'm afraid of shots"...
You stare at someone in utter disbelief when he or she actually covers his or her mouth when coughing...
You've ever thought "as long as he's got a pulse, I won't worry about that rhythm."...
You've ever referred to a body bag as a "To Go" bag...
You've identified the ULTIMATE Cruel Practical Joke (get someone drunk, then take them to the ER and announce that they've overdosed on "some kind of pills" just prior to arrival)...
You think of chocolate, coffee, Coca-Cola® and the cafeteria's frozen yogurt when anyone mentions the 4 food groups... (A big thank you to Shannon for the great contributions)
You've ever heard the radio report from the ambulance and put the morgue bag on the cart before the patient arrives...
You think that the announcement of an impending arrival in 5 minutes of two adults in a serious MVA on backboards with sirens on and anxiety a level 10 would be a great opportunity to eat lunch... (and you know that this is more time than you usually get)... (Special thanks to Henry J. Siegelson, MD)
You have ever heard triage nurse first ask, "Is it urgent?" when interrupted from the first break in hours... (Special thanks to Warren Magnus, D.O.)
You have four categories of patients...urgent, emergent, non-emergent, and S.I.O. (sleeping it off)...
You automatically multiply by 3 the number of drinks they claim to have daily...
You feel that you can diagnose passersby at the mall based on physical presentation...
You don't have to ask "frequent flyers" any medical history questions because you can fill it out from memory...
(The last three come compliments of our friend, Mary O'Neill)
You can keep a straight face as the patient responds "Just two beers"...
You give the local drunks tips on where to sleep so they (and you) won't be disturbed by a return visit...(Thanks to Robert G. Jester)
Well, I hope you enjoyed them. Please let me know if you have any suggestions, recommendations or additions for the next update! If you have any complaints, please keep them to yourself! Until next time, Keep smiling, It makes the shift go faster.
(Fan mail to: Michael Seaver, RN NREMT-P
Complaints to: <firstname.lastname@example.org>
The Old Emergency Workers Test
(Beyond Veteran Status)
You know you're an old emergency worker when . . .
You notice that your colleagues no longer introduce you to others as "a dynamite paramedic", but instead introduce you as "a dinosaur paramedic."
You notice that new partners are not that much older than your own kids.
You notice that enthusiasm and excitement for the profession correlates most greatly with the relative youth of the person.
You realize that several "crops" , "graduating classes", or "generations " of trainees have passed through your tutelage in the field.
You notice people looking at you strangely as you describe actually learning to use Colonel Holger-Nielson's Method of Back-Pressure Arm-Lift Artificial Respiration and feeling that you were prepared with the latest and best.
You notice that you're the only one who knows, understands, and can explain equipment such as "three-bottle suction set-up for chest tubes", "Thomas Splint, Keller-Blake Half-Ring Traction Splint, Pearson Knee Attachment, etc. When astonishment is expressed, you find yourself saying "they even used to have a Murray-Jones splint for traction splinting of the arm!"
You are the only one in the group who can explain "How To Help A Wounded Man From His Horse."
You have used a Stevenson "Minuteman" Resuscitator; or can explain the differences between it, the "Emerson", "E&J", etc., and basically give an experience-based history of "Artificial Respiration" and mechanical resuscitators.
You have done gastric lavage with a hanging glass jar and red rubber tubing.
You have carried patients with a "Poles and Canvas" stretcher.
You're not only the only one who knows how to use a triangular bandage as a sling, but know six different ways to do so.
You can recall when only one crewmember on the ambulance had to have a first aid card and that person was usually the driver. You can further recall that a mechanism existed whereby counties could be exempted from the equipment, staffing, and training requirements if hardship existed, thus less than minimal standards could be legal.
You remember having to ring a doorbell or call the hospital telephone operator to have the Emergency Room opened for your patient.
You remember when ambulance or E.R. equipment included a blackjack or billy club.
You are the only person who knows what is meant by the phrase "Converta-Hearse."
You remember when a mortuary operating an ambulance was not thought of as a conflict of interest, but a public service from the only fellow in town who had a car in which one could lie down .
You remember when a doctor's house call "was" the Pre-Hospital Care.
You remember the phrase: "Is there a doctor in the house?"
You remember (and can still feel) nurses telling patients "The Ambulance Drivers are here to give you a ride" or even "The Ambulance Boys . . ."
You remember explaining countless times each day "What's an Emergency Medical Technician?" to which the invariable reply was "Oh, you mean an Ambulance Driver!"
You are introduced as a "Pioneer" in emergency medicine and you suddenly realize that you are.
You realize, or it is pointed out to you, that many of your conversational items begin "I remember when . . . "
You notice people remarking as they hear your paramedic number "God, that's a low number!"
You realize that more than half of the hospitals you go to have been renamed, reorganized , merged, or closed.
You find that most of the people you now work with don't know any of the people who "used to be here" and they really don't know anything about your original preceptor, and there have been several chiefs or bosses since you started.
You find it is necessary to explain how vehicle manifold suction worked and how, to get full vacuum effect, it was necessary to call out "Suctioning!" so that he could let up on the accelerator pedal. People also don't understand how "The Resuscitator" had an oxygen-powered venturi "aspirator."
You qualify if at any time in your career you worked in ambulances made from "station wagons", "panel trucks" (including "step vans" and "metro vans"), "sedan-delivery" vehicles, low-top Cadillacs or other brand of "limousine chassis", any "Converta-Hearse", etc.; younger emergency workers may qualify if they worked in any ambulance that did not meet federal KKK-1824A specifications.
You qualify also if a substantial portion of your career took place before rubber gloves were supplied.
You earn additional points for qualification if your career began before seat belts were common.
You admit to yourself that nowadays the chief reason you enjoy precepting paramedic trainees is that you don't have to carry the gurney anymore.
©1994 Tom Trimble
Came across this in the humor digest, thought I would pass it on.
Joseph J Sachter, MD, FACEP (email@example.com)
Program Director, Emergency Medicine Residency
The Brooklyn Hospital Center
Date: Wed, 20 Dec 1995 21:18:08 -0600
From: Andrew Wagner afwagner@STUDENTS.WISC.EDU
Subject: medical literature
Howard J. Bennett's Classification for Reading Medical Articles
The largest managed-care business in the Washington area just installed voice mail on their psychiatric hotline.
Callers are prompted as follows:
"Welcome to the psychiatric hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite your ear off.
If you are ambivalent, please hang up and call back in a few minutes.
If you are comatose, stuporous, or obtunded, press each number from 9 to 1 backwards, and then leave your name and number when you hear the beep.
If you would like to speak to a physician, pleased be advised that your plan requires a second opinion and a 30 day waiting period before you can receive this service, which has been designated nonessential."
==== from: ==================================================
Craig Feied, MD FACEP firstname.lastname@example.org
Director, National Center for 202.965.2001 voice
Emergency Medicine Informatics 202.965.5316 fax
Attached is a list sort of like "You may be a redneck if...." but with that decidedly EMS flavor to it. You may find that some of these apply to you.
This list was drawn up and created by Shane Williams NREMT-P, Linc Williams, VAEMT-D, and Alan Richardson VAEMT-D.
If you have any ideas to add to the list, please e-mail them to SGooseman@AOL.COM.
Thank you! Enjoy!
P.S. You may distribute this list freely.
YOU MAY BE AN EMS TICK IF........
You not only have EMS plates on your car but also have three red lights on the dash.
You have a bumper sticker that says "I stop for all auto accidents."
You have a license plate holder that says "My other car is an ambulance."
Your personal vehicle has ever been mistaken for an EMS chase car.
Your neighbors called the cops because you left the scanner on in your car and they're tired of hearing every call being dispatched.
Your scanner has 100 channels and you have managed to fill every one of them.
You have more tools on your belt than an electrician.
Every time you walk you make a rattling noise because of all the scissors and clamps in your pockets.
You have more than five patches on your EMS uniform.
You get rear-ended in an auto accident and the accident scene looks like an ER exploded from your first aid kit in the trunk.
You get rear-ended in an auto accident and the accident looks like an EMS supply store exploded.
You have more T-shirts that say "I love EMS" or "Aircare Medical Evac" than plain T-shirts.
You have underwear with little "stars of life" on it.
Half of your wardrobe has blood stains on it.
You have a "Star of Life" tattooed somewhere on your body.
Not only does your watch tell the time but it has a pulse timer that will count in 5, 10, 15, 30 and 60 second intervals and will take your blood pressure.
You pull out your pocket knife and it has more gadgets on it than 007's.
You carry a teddy bear on the unit for when you get pediatric calls.
You've ever told a patient to "get off your ass and walk to the unit."
You have ever shown pictures from auto accidents like other people show vacation pictures.
You have a sticker anywhere on your car that says either "Emergency Medical Technician" or "Paramedic."
You've ever referred to women in EMS as "Band-Aid Bunnies."
You can tell the pharmacist more about the medicines he is giving you than he can.
You've ever thought a blood pressure cuff would be an excellent gift for Christmas.
You've ever spent more money on a stethoscope than on a car payment.
You think those blue BDU pants with the EMS pocket are okay to wear out on a date.
You've ever been telling EMS stories in a restaurant and had someone at another table throw-up.
Your family stopped talking to you because every time you open your mouth it sounds like a recital from a medical dictionary.
You write an EMS report and have to translate it to your officer because of all the EMS acronyms in it.
You notice that you use more four letter words now than before you joined the Rescue Squad.
You think it is acceptable to use "penis" and "vagina" in a normal conversation.
Nobody will ride in your car with you because they say you drive like you're going to an EMS call.
You have a special pair of driving gloves and glasses for when you are in the ambulance.
You've ever run out of church because your monitor went off.
You run out of a restaurant for a call and come back afterwards to find that they not only saved your food for you but also rewarmed it when they saw you pull up out front.
You've ever tried to write off on your taxes the mileage spent going back and forth to the department.
You've ever tried to write off all those T-shirts with EMS logos as business clothes on your taxes.
Nobody knows what color your hair is because you refuse to take off your "________ Rescue Squad" hat.
You've ever forgotten your wedding anniversary because you had duty that night.
You've ever told a fast food place that you want your food "For here, to go" in case you get a call.
You look in your closet and can't find anything non-EMS to wear.
Your alarm clock's alarm sounds like the station tones for Station 51.
You think Johnny and Roy are Medic Gods.
You have never missed an episode of RESCUE 911, ER, or COPS.
You've been looking everywhere for old copies of EMERGENCY.
You've ever had to call an ambulance to pick up one of your members at a Squad function.
You've ever wondered whether it would be legal to keep a defibrillator in the trunk of your car.
You've ever raised your hands to heaven and said "These hands have been touched by God."
Every magazine in your house has the word EMS in the title.
GALLS sends you a Christmas card.
JEMS sends you a birthday card.
"Trawling for Trauma" is your favorite saying.
You've ever referred to a code as a "GOOD CALL."
The cops have ever shown up at the Rescue Squad looking for you because your mother/spouse hasn't seen you in a month.
You get more EMS E-mail over the Internet than you get regular mail.
You have a 3-pound belt buckle with the picture of an ambulance or "Star of Life" on it.
You've ever told anyone in pain to "stop being a baby and deal with it."
You've ever told a patient to "stop faking it."
Your squad painted your name under the driver's side window on the ambulance.
You carry more gloves on you than a proctologist does.
Every time someone asks you for a pen, you can find at least three of them on you.
Your back pocket bulges all the time because of the EMS field guide you keep in it.
The Squad raids the trunk of your car once a month looking for EMS supplies.
The single diagnostic criterion in "had seizure in a restaurant" is "Had he paid the bill yet ? "
You don't eat while you drive to work because if you get in an accident you don't want to be a "missed cafe' coronary."
You don't eat before driving to work because you want to be an "easy intubation" if you are in an accident.
You think Medic-Alert® tags make fine birthday presents or should be issued at birth.
You see people in the crowd with stigmata of serious disease, and you quickly calculate if you could be recognized as an off-duty nurse.
As above, but wish you had bought that CPR pocket mask you've been promising yourself.
"Man down" translates to you as: Drunk if unwitnessed, Seizure if witnessed.
Watching "film at eleven" on the TV News is like watching home video of all the E.D. and E.M.S. folks you know.
You realize that the House Officers and junior Faculty were born after you began your career.
© Tom Trimble, RN
. . . And, of course, the classic . . .
LAWS OF THE HOUSE OF GOD
I. GOMERS DONT DIE.
II. GOMERS GO TO GROUND.
III. AT A CARDIAC ARREST, THE FIRST PROCEDURE IS TO TAKE YOUR OWN PULSE.
IV. THE PATIENT IS THE ONE WITH THE DISEASE.
V. PLACEMENT COMES FIRST.
VI. THERE IS NO BODY CAVITY THAT CANNOT BE REACHED WITH A #14 NEEDLE AND A GOOD STRONG ARM.
VII. AGE + BUN = LASIX® DOSE.
VIII. THEY CAN ALWAYS HURT YOU MORE.
IX. THE ONLY GOOD ADMISSION IS A DEAD ADMISSION.
X. IF YOU DONT TAKE A TEMPERATURE, YOU CANT FIND A FEVER.
XI. SHOW ME A BMS* WHO ONLY TRIPLES MY WORK AND I WILL KISS HIS FEET. * Medical Student from the "Best Medical School."
XII. IF THE RADIOLOGY RESIDENT AND THE BMS* BOTH SEE A LESION ON THE CHEST X-RAY, THERE CAN BE NO LESION THERE. * Medical Student from the "Best Medical School."
XIII. THE DELIVERY OF MEDICAL CARE IS TO DO AS MUCH NOTHING AS POSSIBLE.
from House of God
by Samuel Shem,
Richard Marek Publishers, Inc., New York,
©1978 by Samuel Shem
Date: Fri, 2 Aug 1996 16:29:12 +1000
From: John Loadsman
I found this at the GASNet Web site, which now has a humor page.
Top 10 Reasons for Becoming an Anesthesiologist
10. You can intubate your friends at parties.
9. Have you ever met a happy internist?
8. You don't have enough ego hypertrophy to be a surgeon.
7. You can comfort anxious patients with, "I know just how you feel. It's my first anesthetic, too."
6. Any job where you can drive to work in green pajamas is a cool job.
5. You can park next to rich doctors like opthalmologists.
4. You can cover your mistakes with Versed®.
3. After spending the night with surgeons, they still won't respect you in the morning.
2. If you get bored on the weekends, you can give yourself a spinal.
1. No office, no overhead, no rectal exams!!!
[my usual response to anyone who asks why I chose anaesthesia - "so I never
have to stick my finger up anyone's arse again" - <no joke!> - John]
1. You are assisting a primary nurse with charcoal administration down an orogastric tube. The room measures eight feet by twelve feet. The patient starts to retch before the tube is pulled. Knowing that charcoal can spew out of a tube in a five foot radius (even with a thumb over the opening) and the stretcher is two feet wide, how many feet per second do you have to back up to get less charcoal on you than the primary nurse?
2. Doctor A picks up a chart out of the rack. S/he finds that it
is a repeat patient with abdominal pain. Doctor A puts the chart back. Doctor B picks up
the chart five minutes later and also returns it to the rack. Doctor A leaves the nurses'
station heading south at three miles per hour. Doctor B leaves the nurses station for the
doctors' lounge at five miles per hour. How long before the patient is at equal distance
from Doctor A and Doctor B?
3. You were assigned two large treatment rooms and the gynecologic room. By the end of the day you have cared for ten patients. Four patients were female over the age of 80, all complaining of weakness. Two patients were male, ages 72 and 50. The last four were female, between the ages of 24 and 40, all complaining of abdominal pain. It is 3:00 p.m. and time to restock the rooms. How many bedpans will you need?
4. You are the primary nurse for an elderly patient with congestive heart failure. The IV stick was exceptionally difficult, but you are able to start an 18 gauge catheter on the second attempt. You leave the room to check on another patient. A relative thinks that the IV has stopped dripping and opens the clamp. How much IV fluid will infuse before you return?
5. You are sent for your morning coffee break. You need to use the restroom but can't find one unoccupied and have to walk down to the lobby. The coffee pot is dry and you have to make more. When you get to the cafeteria, the line extends ten feet into the hallway. You can't remember exactly when your break began. How much time do you have left?
6. You are the primary nurse taking care of a particularly shy female in the gynecology room. Her private physician arrives to see her, but you can see that he is not in a particularly good mood. After much coaxing, the patient agrees to a pelvic exam. How many people will open the door during the exam?
7. An elderly man arrives in the Emergency Department by rescue squad. Twenty minutes later his wife arrives and registers him. She is shown the entrance to the department and slowly shuffles in. How many rooms will she walk into before she finds him?
8. You are assigned to the EENT room. You have a patient to be checked for a peritonsillar abscess. The ENT physician has been paged and expects to arrive in 45 minutes. Three hours later, he arrives and is at the patient's side, asking for a flashlight. Lightly jogging at 22 miles per hour, how many rooms will you have to search before you find one?
9. You have been asked to cover a coworker's rooms during her break. One of her patients is an elderly, confused male with an enlarged prostate. A catheter has been inserted and his physician is coming to see him. Somehow he manages to get off the stretcher. The drainage bag is firmly hooked to the side rail. Knowing that the catheter is 16 inches long and the drainage tubing is three feet long, will he be able to reach the door before pulling out the catheter?
10. A college student named Muffy is brought to the Emergency Department with a sore throat. She has no relatives in the area. Will there be enough chairs in the waiting room for deeply concerned significant others?
SOME OF THE OUTRAGEOUS THINGS PEOPLE SAY
TO A PHARMACIST
Sent by Tina Harrach Denetclaw, Pharm.D. BCPS
© Copyright 1996 T. H. Denetclaw
(A blank stare is an effective answer for most of these things.)
"I just bought something on the street that is supposed to be Valium®, but I don't trust the guy I got it from. Could you look at it and tell me if it's really Valium®?"
"My husband recently got over the flu bug and now he has a stiff neck and a fever. He doesn't seem to be okay, but he won't go to the doctor. Is there something you can give him for it?" (Hint: A blank stare is not the right answer for this one.)
"I've been to six doctors and none of them can tell me what's causing the rash on my arm. What do you think it is?"
"I have a variety of antibiotics left over in my medicine cabinet. I think that I have a sinus infection. Which drugs would be good for that?" (In the first place, she's not supposed to have antibiotics left over. In the second place...see the next example.)
"I'm not asking you to diagnose me. I just want you to tell me what this is and what I can take for it."
Upon telling a customer that her new antibiotic prescription may decrease the effectiveness of her birth control pills, she responded incredulously: "Oh sure,...like what could happen."
"My mother is sick. I have a large board to lay her on to do an examination myself. I think it's her kidneys. What should I look for?"
"If getting a prescription filled for 30 tablets is going to take 20 minutes, how long will it be if I only want 10 tablets?" (35 minutes.)
"My prescription is very simple to make. I should not have to wait for the people ahead of me to get theirs done first."
"My prescription is a tube of ointment. Why can't you just take it off the shelf and hand it to me?"
"My doctor said that he would phone a prescription here for me. It's not my fault that he didn't. I know exactly what he wants to order for me. Why can't you just give me what I know my doctor wants me to have?"
Three final thoughts:
Lunch can be absorbed transdermally by applying it to an inconspicuous spot of one's arm while working.
Everything only happens all at once.
Most everything can seem humorous...eventually.
10. Bayberry scented ammonia capsules.
9. Replace foley lubricant with cranberry sauce.
8. Complimentary "makeover" with every 10th Kwell shower.
7. Tinsel decorations on CT scanner often mimics a subdural hematoma.
6. Holiday Special: 2 for 1 drug abscess drainage.
5. NARCAN® FOR EVERYBODY!!!
4. Play "find the rock cocaine" body cavity search for the P.D.
3. Festive holiday decorations made from cut-off cock-rings.
2. Three words: Screw top eggnog.
1. And new for 1996: Defibrillate me, Elmo!
**submitted by a paramedic from a
Date: Fri, 14 Feb 1997 16:18:25 +1100
From: John Loadsman
1) Cash on Hand
2) Checking Account
3) Credit Cards
4) Court Date
Passed on to us is the following from an
Australian source : "Tim Spencer"
<email@example.com> who asserts that true authorship is presently unknown.
Date: Mon, 17 Mar 1997 21:02:15 +1000
Three weeks of extensive clinical experience in the U.S. and abroad have allowed us to bring you the drug that was previously thought to be undevelopable -- Degomerate.
By carefully reviewing 4 hospital charts, we saw that there was a need for a new drug, one that would fill the needs of the new intern in the ICU. After compiling a list of drugs most frequently used on the terminal patient, we combined them into one simple preparation.
And now, after years of testing on amoebas and hoary marmots, Degomerate is available to you, the new intern. Our new improved formula is guaranteed to control any psychotic, infectious, or cardiac problem you encounter.
........Preserves the sex life of your ICU patient
........Available in 15 and 30 Gram capsules, also IV/IM
........Convenient in "q15minute" administration
........No complaints of GI upset in comatose patients
........Effective in clinical studies of Tahitian monks
"When Shotgun Therapy is Indicated: DEGOMERATE!"
Contains: Morphine Imipramine Haloperidol Chlorpromazine Diazepam Furosemide Diazoxide Propranolol Nitroglycerine Lidocaine Quinidine Amiodarone Flecainide Atropine Epinephrine Dopamine Norepinephrine Warfarin Imipenem Acyclovir Ceftazidine Nafcillin Amikacin Amphotericin B Clindamycin
INDICATIONS: Presence in an ICU of more than one of the following:
1) IV's pulled out despite four-point soft restraints
2) The Haloperidol drip isn't holding him
3) Smokes cigarettes through endotracheal tube
4) Rounds consist of discussion of patient's code status
5) Has not spoken coherently since Aug 5, 1962
6) Thinks you are his grandson
7) Is overdrawn at the bank
8) Daily progress notes are longer than 2.5 pages
9) Turning on all his life support devices at once blacks-out 3 hospital floors
10) After 48 hours on the unit, his chart weighs more than the Manhattan white pages
11) Drawing daily bloodwork requires replacement with 2 units of packed red blood cells
12) At any one time, has more than 3 miles of IV tubing
13) Has 8 or more consults - all pending
14) Has developed AML from hourly stat CXR's
CONTRAINDICATIONS: any intelligent speech
ADVERSE REACTIONS: Vertigo, development of a prurient interest in
broccoli, death, pregnancy, an insane desire to take Heme I as an elective, leprosy, believes he is Woody Hayes, and the most serious possible side effect - total recovery.
DOSAGE AND ADMINISTRATION: Adults: as needed, not to exceed 2 kg/day.
Children: use Degomerate Jr., which is cherry flavored and also supplies the MDR of 19 vitamins and minerals.
From: John Loadsman
I have an earache...
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
several years of studying and hard work, I have finally learned scientific jargon.
The following list of phrases and their definitions will help you to understand that mysterious language of science and medicine.
"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"... I didn't look up the original reference.
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...These data are practically meaningless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE
QUESTIONS,"... An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"... The other results didn't make any sense.
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"... This is the prettiest graph.
"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"... I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"THE MOST RELIABLE RESULTS ARE OBTAINED BY JONES"... He was my graduate student;
his grade depended on this.
"IN MY EXPERINCE"... once
"IN CASE AFTER CASE"... Twice
"IN A SERIES OF CASES"... Thrice
"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"... I think.
"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"... A couple of other guys think so too.
"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE"... Wrong.
"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"... Rumor has it.
"A STATISTICALLY ORIENTED PROJETION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"... A wild guess.
"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"... Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer.
"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE
UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENA OCCURS"... I don't understand it.
"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"... They don't understand it either.
"THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSITANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO ANDREA
SCHAEFFER FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"... Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Shaeffer explained to me what it meant.
"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"... A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN
THIS FIELD"... I quit.
"This may be used or broadcast in any form as long as I receive credit.
as submitted by Tina Denetclaw, Pharm.D., BCPS
EMERGENCY DEPARTMENT RULES
"This is all so true!!" says Debra R., EMT/PCT
Rules for the Emergency Room:
Here are some tips to those who may end up in an ER, be it yourself or a family member.
If it requires the ambulance team and entire truck crew of firefighters to transport you and safely place you on a hospital stretcher, it is time to go on a diet.
When you present to the triage nurse, do not tell him/her that your doctor called ahead. If you survey our waiting area, probably 50% of the people waiting said the same thing, and the other 50% use the ER as their regular doctor.
Never start out by saying, "I was searching the Internet . . . "
When asked how much you weigh, please do not give the "Deer-In-The-Headlights Look", and tell us you "really don't know". It's a simple question with a simple answer.
Just because you have a phone and know how to call 911, we are not impressed by your arrival on an ambulance stretcher. You had better be sick.
If you came escorted via EMS for multiple complaints that started more than one week ago and your entire family followed the ambulance to the hospital, you will be labeled a ninnie and treated like one, enjoy the waiting area with your family.
One complaint/ailment per visit, please.
Just because you came in on a ambulance, doesn't mean you're going home on one. You better start making arrangements, now. I am not driving you home, or figuring out how to get you home. Cab vouchers are not an option.
If you have one of these four, go to your own doctor in the morning: A Migraine; the Flu; a stomach virus; or a stuffy nose.
Do not ask us how long it will be. We don't know. I don't know what is coming through my door 30 seconds from now,so I sure as hell don't know when you're getting a room.
We have priorities. We understand that you have been waiting for two hours in the waiting room. If you don't want to wait, make an appointment with a doctor. The little old lady that just walked in looking OK to you is probably having a massive heart attack. That is why she goes first.
If your mother is a patient and we ask her a question, let her answer it.
If your child has a fever, you had damn well better give him Tylenol® before coming in. DO NOT let the fever remain high just so I will believe the child has a fever. Do you want your child to have a seizure? Do you?
If you are well enough to complain about the wait, you are well enough to go home.
Do not utter the words "it is in my chart", I don't have your chart, and I don't have the time to call and get it. Just tell me. It is faster.
We know how many times you've been to an ER. We can usually tell if you are faking it during the first 5 seconds of talking to you. Do not lie to us. If you lie about one thing, we will have to assume you are lying about everything. You don't want that.
If you have diabetes and do not control it, you are committing slow suicide.
If you are a female between 16 and 42 and your last period was between 28-35 days ago, please don't waste our time if you are here for Abdominal Pain & Vaginal bleeding. Guess what!!?? You got your period, again.
Do not bring your entire posse with you. One person at the bedside is all you need. It is really difficult to move around seven people who are in the way if you are really sick.
Every time I ask you a question, I learn more about what is wrong with you. I don't care if I asked you what day it is four different times. Each time I ask, it is for a reason. Just answer the questions, regardless whether you have answered them before.
If you want something, be nice. I will go out of my way to piss off rude people.
Our definition of sick is not your definition of sick. If a member of the ER staff says that someone is sick, it means that they are in the process of DYING. They have had a massive stroke, are bleeding out, having a heart attack, or have been shot. We don't consider a kidney stone, sick. Painful, yes. Sick, no.
At any given time, one nurse has four patients. One doctor has up to 15.
There is a law (similar to Murphy's) in the ER. If you have four patients: one of them will be sick (see above for definition); one of them will be whining constantly; one of them will be homeless; and one of them will a delightful patient. (don't be the whiner). Please.
If you see someone pushing a big cart down the hall at full speed and you hear bells going off, do not ask for a cup of coffee. Someone is dying, you inconsiderate a*****e. In the ER, bells don't ring for nothing. Sit down, shut up, and let us work.
If you can bi**h about the blood pressure cuff being too tight, or the IV hurting, you are not in that much pain.
Physicians and nurses are not waiters. We are not customer service representatives. This is not McDonald's®, and you very well may NOT have it your way. Our job is to save your life, or at least make you feel better. If you want a pillow, two blankets, and the lights dimmed, go to the Ramada®.
If you have any sort of stomach pain and you ask for something to eat, you are not sick.
Do not talk s**t about the other members of staff I work with. The doctor that you hate? I work with him every day, and I know that he knows what he is doing. I trust him a lot more that I trust you. I am not here to be your friend, and neither is he. I will tell him what you said, and we will laugh about it. If you want a buddy, go somewhere else.
If you are homeless, don't ask for a bus token or cab voucher to get home. It just confuses the staff.
Please don't tell us how to do our job. Do we go to your place of business and tell you how to do your job?
Please don't bring in a "show and tell". If you have to fish it out of the toilet, it's really not necessary to bring it in, we will take your word. If you did fish something out of the toilet, you may not use my pen.
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